Unexpected Inheritance

‘Fuck me, its huge,’ Daniel said in excitement. ‘Is it really mine?’

‘Yes Mr Sinclair,’ answered Mrs Sheldon through her best forced smile as she drew the car to a halt.

            Daniel got out of the car and shielded his eyes from the sun’s glare. He looked on through squinting eyes at what stood before him. He had never seen an authentic Tudor house before, not to mention owning one. He’d never even owned a house before. This was much better than dosing on his mate’s sofa.

‘Great-aunt Edith wanted me to have this?’ Daniel stuttered.

Mrs Sheldon nodded.

‘I didn’t even know I had a Great-aunt Edith,’ chuckled Daniel.

            Daniel made his way towards the front door and rattled the door handle but it wouldn’t budge.

‘I think you’ll be needing these,’ called Mrs Sheldon dangling a set of keys between her thumb and forefinger. ‘Idiot,’ she muttered.

Daniel didn’t hear her as he was too busy playing with the brass door knocker.

‘How cool is this? It’s a fox, tehe. Just look how its tail moves when you knock.’

Mrs Sheldon rubbed her temples. ‘A fox you say? How…nice.’ Mrs Sheldon nudged Daniel aside and unlocked the door. ‘After you.’ She signalled.

            Daniel had to crouch under the tiny door frame. This house must have been designed for midgets, he thought. The house smelt stale and musty and had a faint linger of gym socks.

‘Let’s get some light in here,’ said Mrs Sheldon.

 As daylight illuminated the room Daniel came face to face with a small orange goldfish.

‘What’s this?’ said Daniel.

‘It’s a fish,’ answered Mrs Sheldon.

‘I can see it’s a fish, but what’s it doing here?’

‘It comes with the house.’

‘What my Great-aunt left me a house and a fish?’

Mrs Sheldon nodded.

‘But why?’

‘Look Mr Sinclair I don’t know. I’m just acting on Mrs Sinclair’s instructions. Now if you don’t mind I should get going.’ Mrs Sheldon handed Daniel the keys. ‘Goodbye Mr Sinclair.’

‘Yeah, bye.’

Daniel watched as Mrs Sheldon tottered to her car and drove off into the distance. He closed the door and walked over to the goldfish. He picked up the small glass fishbowl and peered through the murky water at the fish. ‘Hey, I’m Daniel. What’s your name?’

The goldfish stared at him.

‘I think we’ll call you Julie, what you think?’

The fish blew a line of bubbles.

‘Great that’s settled then, Julie it is.’ Daniel put the fish bowl down and went to inspect the rest of the house.

            Daniel whistled the Addam’s Family theme tune as he made his way up the creaky staircase. He opened the first door at the top of the stairs. ‘Yuck, it smells like a sweaty anus in here,’ he said covering his mouth.

            Daniel inspected the final bedroom. The room was filled with stuffed animals. He shuddered as hundreds of glass eyes watched him. ‘This place is fucking weird.’ He backed out of the bedroom and made his way back downstairs.

            ‘Hey, Julie you hungry?’ said Daniel rummaging through his rucksack. ‘Now I’m not sure what you fish eat but this will have to do until I can get to a pet shop.’

Julie stared blankly as the pickled onion Monster Munch bobbed up and down in the water next to her. Daniel munched on the rest of the crisps and slumped into an armchair in front of the television. He took a pre-rolled joint from his pocket and lit it.         ‘Tell you what Julie, I’m shocked old aunty Edith has a TV. Shall we see what’s on the box?’ Daniel began messing with the TV remote, ‘How do you get this bastard thing to work?’ he grumbled while pressing random buttons.

‘You could try switching it on.’

‘What the…’ Daniel squeaked. He had no time to see where the voice had come from as the joint had fallen out of his mouth and was burning his crotch. He leapt out of the chair. ‘Shit, shit, shit’ he screamed in a high-pitched girly voice as he tried to pat out his smouldering crotch with the palm of his hands. ‘Whoa, that was close, nearly lost me nads then.’

            Daniel sat back down in the armchair. He picked up the joint from the floor and re-lit it. He got up and switched on the television then slumped back into the chair. ‘Fucking Chuckle Brothers, I didn’t think they were still going.’ Daniel said taking a toke.

‘You shouldn’t be watching that, you don’t have a television license,’ said the same posh, masculine voice Daniel had heard earlier.

Daniel began to tremble. ‘Who…who’s there?’ he stuttered. But there was no reply. He peered over the armchair but there was no-one to be seen, except Julie. Daniel began to laugh. ‘You’ve got the fear man. What’s in this shit?’ he said inspecting the joint.

‘You do know that smoking is bad for you?’ said the voice.

‘Ok enough fucking about now. Who’s there?’

‘Do you have to use such vulgarities?’ said the voice.

Daniel began to laugh nervously. ‘Shit for a minute there I thought that was you Julie.’

‘It was me.’

*

When Daniel came to his head was pounding. ‘Ouch, fuck man that hurts.’

‘You’re awake,’ said the voice.

‘What… what happened?’ asked Daniel rubbing his head.

‘You fainted and hit your head on the coffee table,’ said the voice.

‘I fainted? But why…’ Daniel couldn’t finish his sentence as he was overcome with shock as he realised he was having a conversation with a goldfish.

‘Yes, in case you hadn’t already realised, I can talk.’

‘Julie…But how? Fish can’t talk.’ Daniel stammered.

‘My name is not Julie. I am William Layton,’ said the fish.

‘William who? What the fuck? This can’t be for real?’ said Daniel shaking his head. Was this it, had he gone mad?

‘Pull yourself together. My name is William Layton and I need your help.’

‘What, you need my help, but what can I do?’ said Daniel puzzled.

‘I need you to find Richard Layton and bring him to me so that I can return to my human form.’

‘You were human? Hang on, if that’s true then why are you a fish?’

‘Alright let me start from the beginning. I was born in 1523…’

‘What so that makes you…’ said Daniel trying to count on his fingers.

‘484 years old,’ interrupted William.

‘Shit Julie.’

‘My name is not Julie. Anyway as I was saying, I used to be a warlock…’

‘What like a wizard, doing spells and stuff?’

‘Yes something like that. Now are you going to let me finish?’

Daniel nodded.

William continued. ‘I was placed inside the body of a fish as a punishment.’

‘What did you do?’ asked Daniel.

‘Oh, nothing. It was a misunderstanding, I can assure you.’

‘Go on…’ urged Daniel.

‘I was accused of trying to take over the world,’ muttered William.

‘You tried to take over the world?’ said Daniel in disbelief. ‘If that’s true, then why should I help you?’

‘I’m a changed man now, I promise. I can’t stand it any longer being a fish, it’s so dull. Please I beg of you, help me.’ William pleaded.

‘I don’t think so. I’m not going to start doing stuff for a fish, it’s just weird,’ said Daniel getting up off the floor. ‘I need some air.’ Daniel opened the front door but just as he was about to step outside it slammed shut. ‘What the…’ Daniel tried to open the door again.

‘Try all you want but I won’t let you leave until you help me,’ said William chuckling to himself as he watched Daniel growing more frustrated as his pathetic attempts to barge down the door failed.

‘Screw you; I’ll just climb out the window.’ Daniel shouted.

‘I wouldn’t bother, they’re locked too…and I wouldn’t try to smash them either I’ve put a force field on them.’

‘Fuck Julie, what is your problem?’ yelled Daniel.

‘I would much prefer it if we could keep things civil. Maybe even be friends? Now what do you say, will you help me?’

‘No, go away.’ Daniel screamed as he stormed out of the room.

‘Where are you going?’

Daniel didn’t answer.

            After a few minutes Daniel re-emerged eating a Pot Noodle. ‘What? I was hungry,’ Snapped Daniel.

‘I didn’t say anything.’

‘Yeah well don’t. I’m not speaking to you anymore.’

‘You’re speaking to me now.’

‘No, I’m not.’

‘Yes, you are.’

‘No I’m not… Fuck off.’ Daniel tried to ignore William by pretending to be engrossed in his Pot Noodle until it began bubbling and spitting out pieces of noodle. ‘My eye. I’ve got Pot Noodle in my eye,’ he screamed as he threw the Pot Noodle across the room.

William laughed as he watched Daniel rubbing his eyes.

‘You bastard, did you do that? You could have blinded me.’ Daniel yelled.

‘Stop being a baby. So are you going to help me?’ said William.

‘No’ shouted Daniel.

Daniel took his walkman out of his rucksack. After a few seconds he ripped the headphones off screaming ‘Argh Celine Dion. Man you’re fucking evil.’

William chuckled. ‘Now are you going to help me?’

‘No, fuck off. I’m going to bed,’ screamed Daniel as he stamped up the stairs.

*

The next day Daniel awoke with the urgent need to urinate. He kicked off the covers and made a mad dash into the bathroom. ‘That’s better,’ he said as he flushed the chain. He went over to the sink to wash his hands when something in the mirror caught his eye, or rather lack of something; where the fuck was his left nipple?

‘Julie’ yelled Daniel as he charged down the stairs.

‘Have you lost something?’ chuckled William.

‘My nipple…’ sighed Daniel with relief as he scooped his nipple out of the fishbowl.

‘How did that get there?’ giggled William.

Daniel ignored him as he rummaged through drawers trying to find something to re-attach his nipple. He had to settle for cello tape.

‘That looks as good as new, although you should reconsider helping me as it would be most unfortunate should something happen to your other nipple.’ William said.

‘You bastard, this means war,’ screamed Daniel as he picked up the fishbowl and made his way to the bathroom.

Daniel tipped the contents of the fishbowl into the toilet and watched as William flapped about. ‘Die bastard, die,’ Daniel shouted as he flushed the chain. When Daniel was satisfied that William had gone he did a victory dance around the room.

He danced down the stairs safe in the knowledge that the ‘demon fish’ was no more. When Daniel reached the bottom of the stairs he was greeted by William blowing bubbles in his fishbowl.

‘What the…’ said Daniel turning a funny shade of grey.

‘You can’t get rid of me that easily, Daniel. I’m immortal,’ laughed William.

‘Fuck,’ muttered Daniel collapsing into a heap on the floor.

‘Now are you going to help me?’ asked William.

Daniel didn’t answer.

‘You see Daniel, the Sinclair family; your family have been assigned the duty of guarding me for hundreds of years. Now that your great-aunt is dead, you are the only living relative to carry on the task.’

‘Fuck that for an idea, I don’t want anything to do with this shit.’

‘Suit yourself but you should know that if you reject your birth right the spell will be broken and you take my place as a fish.’

‘What?’ said Daniel sitting up.

‘So you see either way I get what I want. It is in your best interest to help me cheat the spell,’ said William circling his fishbowl.

‘I don’t get it, why can’t you just use your powers to get Richard Layton?’

‘I am bound to this house and so are my powers. The spell also forbids me from murdering a member of the Sinclair family, not that I would of course,’ replied William.

‘That’s good to know,’ said Daniel looking uneasy.

‘So will you help me?’

‘I need time to think…’ said Daniel as he switched on the television. ‘What? Countdown helps me think.’

‘I’m not saying a word,’ said William.

            Daniel sat in the armchair and hurled abuse at the television when he failed to get the conundrum. As the end credits rolled up the screen Daniel turned to face William. ‘If I help you, will you promise to release me and leave me alone?’

‘Yes.’

‘And you won’t try to take over the world or anything?’

‘Of course not,’ muttered William.

‘Ok then what do I have to do?’

‘I need you to find Richard Layton and bring him to me.’

‘But why?’

‘He is my youngest blood relative and I can only be reincarnated into a family member. I would love to be young and sprightly again,’ replied William.

‘Ok but how am I supposed to find him?’

‘Go to the cupboard under the stairs, there should be a bag in there. Bring it to me,’ instructed William.

Daniel did as he was told. The only bag he could find was a Tesco carrier bag. ‘You want me to pass you your shopping?’ said Daniel puzzled.

‘Just open it will you boy,’ snapped William.

Daniel opened the bag. ‘There are two colourful rocks and a stick thing…’

‘Yes bring them to me.’

‘What do you want with these?’ enquired Daniel as he placed the objects on the table in front of William.

‘These my friend, are my trusty wand and crystals. They are going to tell us where Richard Layton is.’

‘Eh?’ said Daniel scratching his head.

‘Shh, just watch,’ said William.

The crystals started to glow and the wand span round.

‘He’s in Manchester,’ squealed William with delight.

‘How the hell did you get Manchester from that?’

‘That’s none of your concern. Now quick you must go to Manchester.’

‘Now come on Julie, Manchester’s a big place ya know. Besides you’ve locked me in remember?’

‘That is why you shall be taking the crystals to show you the way. I’ve removed the force field, now go,’ said William.

            Daniel didn’t feel comfortable doing this but if it got rid of that bastard fish he’d do it. He borrowed his friend’s car and made his way to Manchester.

*

Once in Manchester Daniel removed the crystals from his pocket. ‘Right lets see if you things work.’ The crystals began to glow and arrows appeared pointing north. Daniel got out of the car and began following the directions the crystals were leading him in. He ended up in

Canal Street

and the crystals pointed towards a bar. ‘You’ve got to be kidding me…a fucking gay bar?’ Daniel took a deep breath and entered the bar.

            Daniel fought his way through the crowd keeping one hand over his arse. Better safe than sorry, he thought. The crystals began flashing multi-coloured in front of a huge butch queen holding a Chihuahua. I guess this must be him, thought Daniel. Here goes nothing…

‘Hey are you Richard Layton?’

‘I sure am, sweetie,’ replied Richard.

Daniel gulped.’ Erm, can I buy you a drink?

*

On the journey home Daniel couldn’t believe how easy it had been to get Richard to agree to come home with him. If only my pulling technique worked so well on the birds, he thought. He was glad that Richard had passed out. He didn’t fancy making anymore small talk with him. What a light-weight, he thought as he watched Richard dribbling down his front. I just wish that fucking dog would stop yapping.

*

Daniel opened the passenger door and Richard flopped out onto the floor. Daniel grabbed him under the arms and began dragging him towards the house. He had only made it a few yards when his arms gave way and he toppled backwards. He felt his ribs buckling under Richard’s bulk.

            After many failed attempts, Daniel mustered up the strength to roll Richard off his squished body. He spotted a wheelbarrow poking out of a hedge. He crammed Richard’s lifeless body into it and wheeled him into the house.

‘You did it, you actually found him. Lay him down on the floor,’ squealed William.

‘Look Julie, this is the last time I pick up blokes for you,’ said Daniel laying Richard on the ground. He went back to the car to collect the Chihuahua.

‘What in god’s name is that?’ said William nodding his head in the direction of the drunken queen as Daniel shut the door.

‘That’s your long-lost relative.’

‘You must be mistaken?’

‘It was your crystals that led me to him.’

‘Damn, they are never wrong.’

‘You’re going to be so manly and rugged, Julie’ laughed Daniel.

‘I’m glad you find this so amusing. If you don’t shut up I’ll tamper with your other nipple.’

‘Hey, I fulfilled my end of the bargain. Now quit your whining, embrace your new homosexual life and let me get the fuck on with mine.’ Daniel yelled.

‘I can’t’ muttered William. ‘I mean look at him.’

‘So you’d rather be a fish?’

William contemplated his options. ‘Alright you win place me on his chest. Then place the crystals on his eyes,’ instructed William.

Daniel did as William told him. ‘Now what?’

‘Now shut that dog up and step back.’

William chanted some weird gibberish that Daniel couldn’t understand. The crystals began to glow bright red. Then there was a flash of bright light and a big bang. Then silence.

            Daniel crept forward to investigate.

‘Where am I?’ said Richard rubbing his head.

‘If you’re not William then where is he?’ Daniel scanned the room but the goldfish had vanished. His attention was turned to the Chihuahua. A posh masculine voice came from its tiny body ‘Oh fuck.’