It is not humanly possible to lick your own elbow. George could lick his elbows Collin had seen him do it numerous times. But George was no human, George was an Oogle. George lived in Collin’s attic. Collin was not particularly fond of the vile fur ball but he had grown used to his company. Collin didn’t get much company these days. In fact all of Collin’s friends and relatives stopped visiting around the time George moved in.
One day Collin was making his favourite meal of stew, just how his mother used to make, when the dreaded rumbling emerged from the attic. Collin didn’t like the rumbling as he knew that it meant that George wanted something, usually food. Collin never quite knew what to expect from George as he was such a temperamental creature. Even on a good day George was about as charming as a hormonal teenager asked to tidy their room. Collin resented this as he had managed to get through life without any children and he certainly didn’t want one on his hands right now. But George was no overgrown child. In fact Collin wasn’t quite sure what an Oogle was.
Collin’s eyes rolled upwards to where the light shade was swinging and he let out a deep sigh.
‘Bloody fantastic,’ he muttered miserably as he fetched George’s food bucket and began spooning in large dollops of delicious stew. Collin hated this act as he always felt that his cooking was wasted on George. But he knew that he was best to let George feast on his stew than feast on him. He shuddered at the thought. Collin picked up the bucket and made the journey up the stairs to feed the beast.
As Collin reached the top of the stairs he hesitated before opening the door as he could hear George stomping about. Collin knew that this meant that George was in a bad mood. Collin took a deep breath and entered the room. The room was cold and dark. Collin longed to give this room a good clean and get rid of the large clumps of hair that covered the floor and the stale stench of sprouts that lingered in the air. But most of all he’d like to get rid of that blasted grumpy old Oogle.
Collin’s thoughts of a delightful bright, airy attic room with throw pillows galore were rudely interrupted by the sound of an almighty fart. This led Collin to believe that George was over in the corner and as predicted there sat before him was the grotesque hairy creature. Gagging from the stench that had escaped from the great beast’s rear end, Collin slowly headed over to the corner. As Collin drew closer George turned abruptly to face him. Coming face to face with George always made Collin uncomfortable as not only was George hideously unattractive and always had rotten pieces of food matted into his green hair. George also had three eyes that happened to roll about in different directions. Collin tried not to make eye contact with George whenever possible as he never knew which way the beast was looking. Not to mention the overwhelming sense of motion sickness he often experienced when greeted with the random movements of the eyes.
‘Where’s my grub? Just look at me, I’m wasting away.’ George roared as he theatrically threw himself onto the grotty mattress on the floor. Collin was unimpressed by George’s performance which had failed to improve over time.
‘Actually I don’t think it would hurt you to go on a diet.’
George was deeply offended by such a remark and played with his hairy rolls of belly fat. Suddenly Collin became aware that he had overstepped the mark as he felt the glare of George’s googly eyes burning into his skull. He felt it best to hand George his food bucket and make a speedy exit. Pissing off the great lump was never a good idea and his eating habits were nothing to be desired.
After Collin had devoured the last morsel of stew from his bowl he sat back and rubbed his tummy. He took comfort in the warm satisfied feeling of his recently filled stomach. However, this feeling was short lived as he heard George stomping about above him. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that George wanted attention. Collin really didn’t want to pander to George but he knew that it was the only way he could get some peace. So off he trekked back up the stairs.
Collin entered the room and went to retrieve the food bucket. He was aware of George’s loud sighing in the corner. However he didn’t feel the desire to enquire as to what was bothering him. In fact he didn’t really care. He was impatient to get back downstairs as the Antiques Road show was about to begin. He hadn’t missed an episode in over four years and that was because George had a toothache. He wasn’t about to let George make him miss yet another episode.
‘Are you not going to ask me what’s wrong?’ George said.
Damn it, Collin thought as the realisation that he was not going to get to see his beloved programme hit him.
‘So what’s up with you then?’ Collin asked.
George did not answer but instead let out a great sigh.
‘Right well I’m going then if you’re not going to talk. I haven’t got time to play games.’
Collin began to storm out of the room. But just as he was about to leave, George spoke in a tiny pathetic voice which was not suiting for such a ferocious looking thing.
‘Oh Collin I’m so lonely.’ George sobbed.
This caught Collin by surprise as he was not used to seeing grown men cry, let alone a giant hairy monster. Collin shifted awkwardly from foot to foot as he watched the large purple tears roll down George’s fur and splash onto the bare floorboards. He felt a tad guilty that he was more concerned that the tears would stain his floor than for the wellbeing of George.
‘Erm, why do you feel lonely George?’ Collin managed to mutter as he uncomfortably patted George on the head.
To Collins horror George began crying hysterically and held Collin tight in a bear hug. Collin tried to wriggle himself free but wriggling only proved to make George’s grip even tighter. This is it I’m going to die, Collin thought as he struggled for breath. But just as Collin drew what he believed to be his last breath, George loosened his grip. Collin fell to the ground and lay gasping for breath, shaking covered in purple tears and gooey monster snot as George began pouring his heart out to him.
‘Collin, I’m so lonely I really need a girlfriend.’
Collin stared blankly as the monster’s words began to register in his oxygen deprived brain.
‘I had a girlfriend once. Oh how I loved her so. Helga she was called and a pretty little thing she was too. Five hundred pounds of furry blue sexiness and she had a cracking arse. Mmm.’
Collin shuddered as he watched the naughty little grin spread across George’s face in recollection. Collin managed to control his breathing and was beginning to regain feeling in his arms. He shakingly sat himself up.
‘What, what happened to Helga?’
George’s eyes rolled around wildly as he replied, ‘It still hurts me to talk about it. Oh my poor beautiful Helga. Those bastards, I’ll never forgive them for what they did to her.’
‘Who, what did they do to her?’ Collin said with wide eyes.
‘Poachers, they took my Helga from me. You see there was a great demand for Oogle hairy pieces. They would sell for thousands on the black market.’
‘Really, thousands?’
George flashed Collin a look of disgust as he caught him eyeing up his own hairy pieces. Collin blushed with shame at his greedy thoughts.
‘Helga and I were the only two remaining Oogles in the world and now there’s only me.’
‘I, I had no idea.’ For the first time Collin actually felt sorry for George as he watched his bottom lip quiver.
‘So you see Collin, I need babies. My biological clock is ticking and I need your help.’
Collin recoiled when he began to contemplate fathering a child with this beast. Expensive hairy pieces or not, there was no way Collin was going to be fiddling with George’s.
‘I don’t mean you, you daft bugger. I mean I need you to find me a girlfriend.’
Collin began to relax but he was still a bit confused as to what George was asking of him.
‘What can I do? I mean if you’re the only surviving Oogle where am I going to find you a girlfriend?’
‘A human of course, I can’t afford to be choosey, time is running out. A human will have to do.’
Before Collin had time to rise the issue of what sort of human would find George attractive, George was pushing him out of the door eager for Collin to set about helping him.
That night Collin spent hours staring up at the ceiling running it over in his head what George had asked of him. He didn’t for a minute believe that he would find anyone crazy enough to be George’s girlfriend, but he guessed there was no harm in trying. Now all Collin needed to do was think of places to meet women. Sadly it was not an area of Collin’s expertise. He couldn’t understand the big attraction with women. No woman could ever compare to his mother so he never had much to do with them. His mother had died seven years ago, just before George had moved in. Collin would give anything to have his mother back rather than that great big smelly Oogle.
The next morning Collin purchased a local newspaper in the hope that it might give a list of places where women hang out. It was in this paper that for the first time Collin set eyes upon something called a lonely hearts column. This was perfect. George was lonely and Collin supposed he had a heart. Actually he knew nothing of an Oogles anatomy, but nevertheless this lonely hearts thingy looked rather promising. He picked up the paper and made his way upstairs to inform George of his findings.
The pair searched through the ads with little success. Collin failed to see what was wrong with the introverted brunette who enjoyed cross stitch and walks in the park. But George was not to be impressed. Quite frankly Collin felt that George couldn’t really afford to be so picky, he wasn’t exactly what could be considered a catch. But George was not to be swayed.
In the end they decided that it may be best for George to place an ad himself. This was a task that proved easier said than done. How do you make a smelly nine foot hairy Oogle with crazy eyes, appealing to the fairer sex? Lying is such a harsh term, but it is fair to say that they did bend the truth ever so slightly.
Slightly hairy, cuddly male, gsoh. Enjoys cosy nights in and candle lit dinners, seeks female companion. Excess body hair preferred.
Collin and George had disagreed some what over the body hair requirement but as always George had gotten his own way. With the ad placed all that was left to do was sit back and wait.
Several weeks passed without a single reply. George took this badly and became increasingly withdrawn and depressed. Then one glorious day George got a reply from Gwen. Gwen had not disclosed any information about herself other than she liked cats. However that was not to put George off. He had gotten a reply and surely someone who likes cats can’t be all bad. Collin was not too sure, but he agreed to arrange a date with Gwen. One awkward phone call later and that was the date sorted. Gwen would be coming round for a candle lit dinner on Friday at .
By Friday, George was pacing up and down. Collin wished he would stop it as it was making him feel uncomfortable. But Collin did have to admit that George had scrubbed up rather well. If only he had known that all it would have taken to get him to wash and cut his claws was a woman, Collin would have found George a lady friend earlier.
Collin had just finished setting the table when the doorbell rang. George froze, his eyes spinning erratically. Collin felt it best to give him time to try and compose himself so he went to open the door. He was horrified by what stood in front of him.
‘Gwen I assume? Come in George is in the front room.’
My god she’s hideous, he thought as he led her towards the living room.
After introducing Gwen to George, Collin had never before felt like such a gooseberry. He may as well have been invisible as the newly-met lovebirds only had eyes for each other.
‘Your, your beautiful.’ George stuttered in lustful awe.
Collin saw this as his cue to leave, but not before he heard George complimenting Gwen on her beard. Collin shuddered.
Collin assumed that the evening had been a success as he had heard them talking into the early hours and Marvin Gaye’s Lets get it on, had been heard flowing from the attic. This made Collin feel sick, but still he felt the need to find out how things had gone. So off he went up the stairs.
When Collin entered the attic room he was sickened by the pile of bones that lay next to a heavily pregnant George.
‘What have you done?’ Collin whispered. ‘But how could you, why would you?’
‘I had to eat her, that’s what us Oogles do.’ George said as he smiled and rubbed his bump.
Collin’s legs gave way beneath him and he slid down the wall into a clumsy heap on the floor. His head throbbed as he tried to make sense of it all. Did this make him an accessory to murder? Oh shit I’m going to prison, he thought as the sense of panic set in. Finding George a girlfriend was one thing but he had never agreed to this. Collin watched in disgust as George paraded about admiring his new physique.
‘Your, you’re a monster.’
George looked offended by such a remark but he was not going to let Collin bring him down after such an incredible night.
‘A monster, I’ll remind you I’m an Oogle thank you very much.’
Collin thought he knew George but how wrong he was. He needed space, he had to think. As George began stroking the pile of bones Collin started to crawl towards the door. But his actions failed to go unnoticed.
‘Hey Collin, I’ll tell you what; a night of passion with a beautiful lady sure beats licking your own elbows.’
Collin was confused. ‘What?’
‘You know licking your elbows, spanking the monkey, bashing the bishop.’
Collin felt sick as the beast’s words registered in his brain and he could no longer hold back the urge to vomit. A wide grin illuminated the Oogles face as he watched on in pleasure.
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