Hairy pieces

It is not humanly possible to lick your own elbow. George could lick his elbows Collin had seen him do it numerous times. But George was no human, George was an Oogle. George lived in Collin’s attic. Collin was not particularly fond of the vile fur ball but he had grown used to his company. Collin didn’t get much company these days. In fact all of Collin’s friends and relatives stopped visiting around the time George moved in.

One day Collin was making his favourite meal of stew, just how his mother used to make, when the dreaded rumbling emerged from the attic. Collin didn’t like the rumbling as he knew that it meant that George wanted something, usually food. Collin never quite knew what to expect from George as he was such a temperamental creature. Even on a good day George was about as charming as a hormonal teenager asked to tidy their room. Collin resented this as he had managed to get through life without any children and he certainly didn’t want one on his hands right now. But George was no overgrown child. In fact Collin wasn’t quite sure what an Oogle was.

            Collin’s eyes rolled upwards to where the light shade was swinging and he let out a deep sigh.

            ‘Bloody fantastic,’ he muttered miserably as he fetched George’s food bucket and began spooning in large dollops of delicious stew. Collin hated this act as he always felt that his cooking was wasted on George. But he knew that he was best to let George feast on his stew than feast on him. He shuddered at the thought. Collin picked up the bucket and made the journey up the stairs to feed the beast.

     

As Collin reached the top of the stairs he hesitated before opening the door as he could hear George stomping about. Collin knew that this meant that George was in a bad mood. Collin took a deep breath and entered the room. The room was cold and dark. Collin longed to give this room a good clean and get rid of the large clumps of hair that covered the floor and the stale stench of sprouts that lingered in the air. But most of all he’d like to get rid of that blasted grumpy old Oogle.

            Collin’s thoughts of a delightful bright, airy attic room with throw pillows galore were rudely interrupted by the sound of an almighty fart. This led Collin to believe that George was over in the corner and as predicted there sat before him was the grotesque hairy creature. Gagging from the stench that had escaped from the great beast’s rear end, Collin slowly headed over to the corner. As Collin drew closer George turned abruptly to face him. Coming face to face with George always made Collin uncomfortable as not only was George hideously unattractive and always had rotten pieces of food matted into his green hair. George also had three eyes that happened to roll about in different directions. Collin tried not to make eye contact with George whenever possible as he never knew which way the beast was looking. Not to mention the overwhelming sense of motion sickness he often experienced when greeted with the random movements of the eyes.

            ‘Where’s my grub? Just look at me, I’m wasting away.’ George roared as he theatrically threw himself onto the grotty mattress on the floor.  Collin was unimpressed by George’s performance which had failed to improve over time.

            ‘Actually I don’t think it would hurt you to go on a diet.’

George was deeply offended by such a remark and played with his hairy rolls of belly fat. Suddenly Collin became aware that he had overstepped the mark as he felt the glare of George’s googly eyes burning into his skull. He felt it best to hand George his food bucket and make a speedy exit. Pissing off the great lump was never a good idea and his eating habits were nothing to be desired.

After Collin had devoured the last morsel of stew from his bowl he sat back and rubbed his tummy. He took comfort in the warm satisfied feeling of his recently filled stomach. However, this feeling was short lived as he heard George stomping about above him. It didn’t take a genius to figure out that George wanted attention. Collin really didn’t want to pander to George but he knew that it was the only way he could get some peace. So off he trekked back up the stairs.

            Collin entered the room and went to retrieve the food bucket. He was aware of George’s loud sighing in the corner. However he didn’t feel the desire to enquire as to what was bothering him. In fact he didn’t really care. He was impatient to get back downstairs as the

Antiques Road

show was about to begin. He hadn’t missed an episode in over four years and that was because George had a toothache. He wasn’t about to let George make him miss yet another episode.

            ‘Are you not going to ask me what’s wrong?’ George said.

Damn it, Collin thought as the realisation that he was not going to get to see his beloved programme hit him.

            ‘So what’s up with you then?’ Collin asked.

George did not answer but instead let out a great sigh.

            ‘Right well I’m going then if you’re not going to talk. I haven’t got time to play games.’

Collin began to storm out of the room. But just as he was about to leave, George spoke in a tiny pathetic voice which was not suiting for such a ferocious looking thing.

            ‘Oh Collin I’m so lonely.’ George sobbed.

This caught Collin by surprise as he was not used to seeing grown men cry, let alone a giant hairy monster. Collin shifted awkwardly from foot to foot as he watched the large purple tears roll down George’s fur and splash onto the bare floorboards. He felt a tad guilty that he was more concerned that the tears would stain his floor than for the wellbeing of George.

            ‘Erm, why do you feel lonely George?’ Collin managed to mutter as he uncomfortably patted George on the head.

            To Collins horror George began crying hysterically and held Collin tight in a bear hug. Collin tried to wriggle himself free but wriggling only proved to make George’s grip even tighter. This is it I’m going to die, Collin thought as he struggled for breath. But just as Collin drew what he believed to be his last breath, George loosened his grip. Collin fell to the ground and lay gasping for breath, shaking covered in purple tears and gooey monster snot as George began pouring his heart out to him.

            ‘Collin, I’m so lonely I really need a girlfriend.’

Collin stared blankly as the monster’s words began to register in his oxygen deprived brain.

            ‘I had a girlfriend once. Oh how I loved her so. Helga she was called and a pretty little thing she was too. Five hundred pounds of furry blue sexiness and she had a cracking arse. Mmm.’

Collin shuddered as he watched the naughty little grin spread across George’s face in recollection. Collin managed to control his breathing and was beginning to regain feeling in his arms. He shakingly sat himself up.

            ‘What, what happened to Helga?’

George’s eyes rolled around wildly as he replied, ‘It still hurts me to talk about it. Oh my poor beautiful Helga. Those bastards, I’ll never forgive them for what they did to her.’         

‘Who, what did they do to her?’ Collin said with wide eyes.

            ‘Poachers, they took my Helga from me. You see there was a great demand for Oogle hairy pieces. They would sell for thousands on the black market.’

            ‘Really, thousands?’

George flashed Collin a look of disgust as he caught him eyeing up his own hairy pieces. Collin blushed with shame at his greedy thoughts.

            ‘Helga and I were the only two remaining Oogles in the world and now there’s only me.’

            ‘I, I had no idea.’ For the first time Collin actually felt sorry for George as he watched his bottom lip quiver.

            ‘So you see Collin, I need babies. My biological clock is ticking and I need your help.’

Collin recoiled when he began to contemplate fathering a child with this beast. Expensive hairy pieces or not, there was no way Collin was going to be fiddling with George’s.

            ‘I don’t mean you, you daft bugger. I mean I need you to find me a girlfriend.’

Collin began to relax but he was still a bit confused as to what George was asking of him.

            ‘What can I do? I mean if you’re the only surviving Oogle where am I going to find you a girlfriend?’

            ‘A human of course, I can’t afford to be choosey, time is running out. A human will have to do.’

Before Collin had time to rise the issue of what sort of human would find George attractive, George was pushing him out of the door eager for Collin to set about helping him.

That night Collin spent hours staring up at the ceiling running it over in his head what George had asked of him. He didn’t for a minute believe that he would find anyone crazy enough to be George’s girlfriend, but he guessed there was no harm in trying. Now all Collin needed to do was think of places to meet women. Sadly it was not an area of Collin’s expertise. He couldn’t understand the big attraction with women. No woman could ever compare to his mother so he never had much to do with them. His mother had died seven years ago, just before George had moved in. Collin would give anything to have his mother back rather than that great big smelly Oogle.

The next morning Collin purchased a local newspaper in the hope that it might give a list of places where women hang out. It was in this paper that for the first time Collin set eyes upon something called a lonely hearts column. This was perfect. George was lonely and Collin supposed he had a heart. Actually he knew nothing of an Oogles anatomy, but nevertheless this lonely hearts thingy looked rather promising. He picked up the paper and made his way upstairs to inform George of his findings.

            The pair searched through the ads with little success. Collin failed to see what was wrong with the introverted brunette who enjoyed cross stitch and walks in the park. But George was not to be impressed. Quite frankly Collin felt that George couldn’t really afford to be so picky, he wasn’t exactly what could be considered a catch. But George was not to be swayed.

            In the end they decided that it may be best for George to place an ad himself. This was a task that proved easier said than done. How do you make a smelly nine foot hairy Oogle with crazy eyes, appealing to the fairer sex? Lying is such a harsh term, but it is fair to say that they did bend the truth ever so slightly.

Slightly hairy, cuddly male, gsoh. Enjoys cosy nights in and candle lit dinners, seeks female companion. Excess body hair preferred.

Collin and George had disagreed some what over the body hair requirement but as always George had gotten his own way. With the ad placed all that was left to do was sit back and wait.

Several weeks passed without a single reply. George took this badly and became increasingly withdrawn and depressed. Then one glorious day George got a reply from Gwen. Gwen had not disclosed any information about herself other than she liked cats. However that was not to put George off. He had gotten a reply and surely someone who likes cats can’t be all bad. Collin was not too sure, but he agreed to arrange a date with Gwen. One awkward phone call later and that was the date sorted. Gwen would be coming round for a candle lit dinner on Friday at 8pm.

By 4:30pm Friday, George was pacing up and down. Collin wished he would stop it as it was making him feel uncomfortable. But Collin did have to admit that George had scrubbed up rather well. If only he had known that all it would have taken to get him to wash and cut his claws was a woman, Collin would have found George a lady friend earlier.

            Collin had just finished setting the table when the doorbell rang. George froze, his eyes spinning erratically. Collin felt it best to give him time to try and compose himself so he went to open the door. He was horrified by what stood in front of him.

            ‘Gwen I assume? Come in George is in the front room.’

My god she’s hideous, he thought as he led her towards the living room.

            After introducing Gwen to George, Collin had never before felt like such a gooseberry. He may as well have been invisible as the newly-met lovebirds only had eyes for each other.

            ‘Your, your beautiful.’ George stuttered in lustful awe.

Collin saw this as his cue to leave, but not before he heard George complimenting Gwen on her beard. Collin shuddered.

Collin assumed that the evening had been a success as he had heard them talking into the early hours and Marvin Gaye’s Lets get it on, had been heard flowing from the attic. This made Collin feel sick, but still he felt the need to find out how things had gone. So off he went up the stairs.

            When Collin entered the attic room he was sickened by the pile of bones that lay next to a heavily pregnant George.

            ‘What have you done?’ Collin whispered. ‘But how could you, why would you?’

‘I had to eat her, that’s what us Oogles do.’ George said as he smiled and rubbed his bump.

Collin’s legs gave way beneath him and he slid down the wall into a clumsy heap on the floor. His head throbbed as he tried to make sense of it all. Did this make him an accessory to murder? Oh shit I’m going to prison, he thought as the sense of panic set in. Finding George a girlfriend was one thing but he had never agreed to this. Collin watched in disgust as George paraded about admiring his new physique.

            ‘Your, you’re a monster.’

George looked offended by such a remark but he was not going to let Collin bring him down after such an incredible night.

            ‘A monster, I’ll remind you I’m an Oogle thank you very much.’

Collin thought he knew George but how wrong he was. He needed space, he had to think. As George began stroking the pile of bones Collin started to crawl towards the door. But his actions failed to go unnoticed.

            ‘Hey Collin, I’ll tell you what; a night of passion with a beautiful lady sure beats licking your own elbows.’

Collin was confused. ‘What?’

            ‘You know licking your elbows, spanking the monkey, bashing the bishop.’

Collin felt sick as the beast’s words registered in his brain and he could no longer hold back the urge to vomit. A wide grin illuminated the Oogles face as he watched on in pleasure.

Unexpected Inheritance

‘Fuck me, its huge,’ Daniel said in excitement. ‘Is it really mine?’

‘Yes Mr Sinclair,’ answered Mrs Sheldon through her best forced smile as she drew the car to a halt.

            Daniel got out of the car and shielded his eyes from the sun’s glare. He looked on through squinting eyes at what stood before him. He had never seen an authentic Tudor house before, not to mention owning one. He’d never even owned a house before. This was much better than dosing on his mate’s sofa.

‘Great-aunt Edith wanted me to have this?’ Daniel stuttered.

Mrs Sheldon nodded.

‘I didn’t even know I had a Great-aunt Edith,’ chuckled Daniel.

            Daniel made his way towards the front door and rattled the door handle but it wouldn’t budge.

‘I think you’ll be needing these,’ called Mrs Sheldon dangling a set of keys between her thumb and forefinger. ‘Idiot,’ she muttered.

Daniel didn’t hear her as he was too busy playing with the brass door knocker.

‘How cool is this? It’s a fox, tehe. Just look how its tail moves when you knock.’

Mrs Sheldon rubbed her temples. ‘A fox you say? How…nice.’ Mrs Sheldon nudged Daniel aside and unlocked the door. ‘After you.’ She signalled.

            Daniel had to crouch under the tiny door frame. This house must have been designed for midgets, he thought. The house smelt stale and musty and had a faint linger of gym socks.

‘Let’s get some light in here,’ said Mrs Sheldon.

 As daylight illuminated the room Daniel came face to face with a small orange goldfish.

‘What’s this?’ said Daniel.

‘It’s a fish,’ answered Mrs Sheldon.

‘I can see it’s a fish, but what’s it doing here?’

‘It comes with the house.’

‘What my Great-aunt left me a house and a fish?’

Mrs Sheldon nodded.

‘But why?’

‘Look Mr Sinclair I don’t know. I’m just acting on Mrs Sinclair’s instructions. Now if you don’t mind I should get going.’ Mrs Sheldon handed Daniel the keys. ‘Goodbye Mr Sinclair.’

‘Yeah, bye.’

Daniel watched as Mrs Sheldon tottered to her car and drove off into the distance. He closed the door and walked over to the goldfish. He picked up the small glass fishbowl and peered through the murky water at the fish. ‘Hey, I’m Daniel. What’s your name?’

The goldfish stared at him.

‘I think we’ll call you Julie, what you think?’

The fish blew a line of bubbles.

‘Great that’s settled then, Julie it is.’ Daniel put the fish bowl down and went to inspect the rest of the house.

            Daniel whistled the Addam’s Family theme tune as he made his way up the creaky staircase. He opened the first door at the top of the stairs. ‘Yuck, it smells like a sweaty anus in here,’ he said covering his mouth.

            Daniel inspected the final bedroom. The room was filled with stuffed animals. He shuddered as hundreds of glass eyes watched him. ‘This place is fucking weird.’ He backed out of the bedroom and made his way back downstairs.

            ‘Hey, Julie you hungry?’ said Daniel rummaging through his rucksack. ‘Now I’m not sure what you fish eat but this will have to do until I can get to a pet shop.’

Julie stared blankly as the pickled onion Monster Munch bobbed up and down in the water next to her. Daniel munched on the rest of the crisps and slumped into an armchair in front of the television. He took a pre-rolled joint from his pocket and lit it.         ‘Tell you what Julie, I’m shocked old aunty Edith has a TV. Shall we see what’s on the box?’ Daniel began messing with the TV remote, ‘How do you get this bastard thing to work?’ he grumbled while pressing random buttons.

‘You could try switching it on.’

‘What the…’ Daniel squeaked. He had no time to see where the voice had come from as the joint had fallen out of his mouth and was burning his crotch. He leapt out of the chair. ‘Shit, shit, shit’ he screamed in a high-pitched girly voice as he tried to pat out his smouldering crotch with the palm of his hands. ‘Whoa, that was close, nearly lost me nads then.’

            Daniel sat back down in the armchair. He picked up the joint from the floor and re-lit it. He got up and switched on the television then slumped back into the chair. ‘Fucking Chuckle Brothers, I didn’t think they were still going.’ Daniel said taking a toke.

‘You shouldn’t be watching that, you don’t have a television license,’ said the same posh, masculine voice Daniel had heard earlier.

Daniel began to tremble. ‘Who…who’s there?’ he stuttered. But there was no reply. He peered over the armchair but there was no-one to be seen, except Julie. Daniel began to laugh. ‘You’ve got the fear man. What’s in this shit?’ he said inspecting the joint.

‘You do know that smoking is bad for you?’ said the voice.

‘Ok enough fucking about now. Who’s there?’

‘Do you have to use such vulgarities?’ said the voice.

Daniel began to laugh nervously. ‘Shit for a minute there I thought that was you Julie.’

‘It was me.’

*

When Daniel came to his head was pounding. ‘Ouch, fuck man that hurts.’

‘You’re awake,’ said the voice.

‘What… what happened?’ asked Daniel rubbing his head.

‘You fainted and hit your head on the coffee table,’ said the voice.

‘I fainted? But why…’ Daniel couldn’t finish his sentence as he was overcome with shock as he realised he was having a conversation with a goldfish.

‘Yes, in case you hadn’t already realised, I can talk.’

‘Julie…But how? Fish can’t talk.’ Daniel stammered.

‘My name is not Julie. I am William Layton,’ said the fish.

‘William who? What the fuck? This can’t be for real?’ said Daniel shaking his head. Was this it, had he gone mad?

‘Pull yourself together. My name is William Layton and I need your help.’

‘What, you need my help, but what can I do?’ said Daniel puzzled.

‘I need you to find Richard Layton and bring him to me so that I can return to my human form.’

‘You were human? Hang on, if that’s true then why are you a fish?’

‘Alright let me start from the beginning. I was born in 1523…’

‘What so that makes you…’ said Daniel trying to count on his fingers.

‘484 years old,’ interrupted William.

‘Shit Julie.’

‘My name is not Julie. Anyway as I was saying, I used to be a warlock…’

‘What like a wizard, doing spells and stuff?’

‘Yes something like that. Now are you going to let me finish?’

Daniel nodded.

William continued. ‘I was placed inside the body of a fish as a punishment.’

‘What did you do?’ asked Daniel.

‘Oh, nothing. It was a misunderstanding, I can assure you.’

‘Go on…’ urged Daniel.

‘I was accused of trying to take over the world,’ muttered William.

‘You tried to take over the world?’ said Daniel in disbelief. ‘If that’s true, then why should I help you?’

‘I’m a changed man now, I promise. I can’t stand it any longer being a fish, it’s so dull. Please I beg of you, help me.’ William pleaded.

‘I don’t think so. I’m not going to start doing stuff for a fish, it’s just weird,’ said Daniel getting up off the floor. ‘I need some air.’ Daniel opened the front door but just as he was about to step outside it slammed shut. ‘What the…’ Daniel tried to open the door again.

‘Try all you want but I won’t let you leave until you help me,’ said William chuckling to himself as he watched Daniel growing more frustrated as his pathetic attempts to barge down the door failed.

‘Screw you; I’ll just climb out the window.’ Daniel shouted.

‘I wouldn’t bother, they’re locked too…and I wouldn’t try to smash them either I’ve put a force field on them.’

‘Fuck Julie, what is your problem?’ yelled Daniel.

‘I would much prefer it if we could keep things civil. Maybe even be friends? Now what do you say, will you help me?’

‘No, go away.’ Daniel screamed as he stormed out of the room.

‘Where are you going?’

Daniel didn’t answer.

            After a few minutes Daniel re-emerged eating a Pot Noodle. ‘What? I was hungry,’ Snapped Daniel.

‘I didn’t say anything.’

‘Yeah well don’t. I’m not speaking to you anymore.’

‘You’re speaking to me now.’

‘No, I’m not.’

‘Yes, you are.’

‘No I’m not… Fuck off.’ Daniel tried to ignore William by pretending to be engrossed in his Pot Noodle until it began bubbling and spitting out pieces of noodle. ‘My eye. I’ve got Pot Noodle in my eye,’ he screamed as he threw the Pot Noodle across the room.

William laughed as he watched Daniel rubbing his eyes.

‘You bastard, did you do that? You could have blinded me.’ Daniel yelled.

‘Stop being a baby. So are you going to help me?’ said William.

‘No’ shouted Daniel.

Daniel took his walkman out of his rucksack. After a few seconds he ripped the headphones off screaming ‘Argh Celine Dion. Man you’re fucking evil.’

William chuckled. ‘Now are you going to help me?’

‘No, fuck off. I’m going to bed,’ screamed Daniel as he stamped up the stairs.

*

The next day Daniel awoke with the urgent need to urinate. He kicked off the covers and made a mad dash into the bathroom. ‘That’s better,’ he said as he flushed the chain. He went over to the sink to wash his hands when something in the mirror caught his eye, or rather lack of something; where the fuck was his left nipple?

‘Julie’ yelled Daniel as he charged down the stairs.

‘Have you lost something?’ chuckled William.

‘My nipple…’ sighed Daniel with relief as he scooped his nipple out of the fishbowl.

‘How did that get there?’ giggled William.

Daniel ignored him as he rummaged through drawers trying to find something to re-attach his nipple. He had to settle for cello tape.

‘That looks as good as new, although you should reconsider helping me as it would be most unfortunate should something happen to your other nipple.’ William said.

‘You bastard, this means war,’ screamed Daniel as he picked up the fishbowl and made his way to the bathroom.

Daniel tipped the contents of the fishbowl into the toilet and watched as William flapped about. ‘Die bastard, die,’ Daniel shouted as he flushed the chain. When Daniel was satisfied that William had gone he did a victory dance around the room.

He danced down the stairs safe in the knowledge that the ‘demon fish’ was no more. When Daniel reached the bottom of the stairs he was greeted by William blowing bubbles in his fishbowl.

‘What the…’ said Daniel turning a funny shade of grey.

‘You can’t get rid of me that easily, Daniel. I’m immortal,’ laughed William.

‘Fuck,’ muttered Daniel collapsing into a heap on the floor.

‘Now are you going to help me?’ asked William.

Daniel didn’t answer.

‘You see Daniel, the Sinclair family; your family have been assigned the duty of guarding me for hundreds of years. Now that your great-aunt is dead, you are the only living relative to carry on the task.’

‘Fuck that for an idea, I don’t want anything to do with this shit.’

‘Suit yourself but you should know that if you reject your birth right the spell will be broken and you take my place as a fish.’

‘What?’ said Daniel sitting up.

‘So you see either way I get what I want. It is in your best interest to help me cheat the spell,’ said William circling his fishbowl.

‘I don’t get it, why can’t you just use your powers to get Richard Layton?’

‘I am bound to this house and so are my powers. The spell also forbids me from murdering a member of the Sinclair family, not that I would of course,’ replied William.

‘That’s good to know,’ said Daniel looking uneasy.

‘So will you help me?’

‘I need time to think…’ said Daniel as he switched on the television. ‘What? Countdown helps me think.’

‘I’m not saying a word,’ said William.

            Daniel sat in the armchair and hurled abuse at the television when he failed to get the conundrum. As the end credits rolled up the screen Daniel turned to face William. ‘If I help you, will you promise to release me and leave me alone?’

‘Yes.’

‘And you won’t try to take over the world or anything?’

‘Of course not,’ muttered William.

‘Ok then what do I have to do?’

‘I need you to find Richard Layton and bring him to me.’

‘But why?’

‘He is my youngest blood relative and I can only be reincarnated into a family member. I would love to be young and sprightly again,’ replied William.

‘Ok but how am I supposed to find him?’

‘Go to the cupboard under the stairs, there should be a bag in there. Bring it to me,’ instructed William.

Daniel did as he was told. The only bag he could find was a Tesco carrier bag. ‘You want me to pass you your shopping?’ said Daniel puzzled.

‘Just open it will you boy,’ snapped William.

Daniel opened the bag. ‘There are two colourful rocks and a stick thing…’

‘Yes bring them to me.’

‘What do you want with these?’ enquired Daniel as he placed the objects on the table in front of William.

‘These my friend, are my trusty wand and crystals. They are going to tell us where Richard Layton is.’

‘Eh?’ said Daniel scratching his head.

‘Shh, just watch,’ said William.

The crystals started to glow and the wand span round.

‘He’s in Manchester,’ squealed William with delight.

‘How the hell did you get Manchester from that?’

‘That’s none of your concern. Now quick you must go to Manchester.’

‘Now come on Julie, Manchester’s a big place ya know. Besides you’ve locked me in remember?’

‘That is why you shall be taking the crystals to show you the way. I’ve removed the force field, now go,’ said William.

            Daniel didn’t feel comfortable doing this but if it got rid of that bastard fish he’d do it. He borrowed his friend’s car and made his way to Manchester.

*

Once in Manchester Daniel removed the crystals from his pocket. ‘Right lets see if you things work.’ The crystals began to glow and arrows appeared pointing north. Daniel got out of the car and began following the directions the crystals were leading him in. He ended up in

Canal Street

and the crystals pointed towards a bar. ‘You’ve got to be kidding me…a fucking gay bar?’ Daniel took a deep breath and entered the bar.

            Daniel fought his way through the crowd keeping one hand over his arse. Better safe than sorry, he thought. The crystals began flashing multi-coloured in front of a huge butch queen holding a Chihuahua. I guess this must be him, thought Daniel. Here goes nothing…

‘Hey are you Richard Layton?’

‘I sure am, sweetie,’ replied Richard.

Daniel gulped.’ Erm, can I buy you a drink?

*

On the journey home Daniel couldn’t believe how easy it had been to get Richard to agree to come home with him. If only my pulling technique worked so well on the birds, he thought. He was glad that Richard had passed out. He didn’t fancy making anymore small talk with him. What a light-weight, he thought as he watched Richard dribbling down his front. I just wish that fucking dog would stop yapping.

*

Daniel opened the passenger door and Richard flopped out onto the floor. Daniel grabbed him under the arms and began dragging him towards the house. He had only made it a few yards when his arms gave way and he toppled backwards. He felt his ribs buckling under Richard’s bulk.

            After many failed attempts, Daniel mustered up the strength to roll Richard off his squished body. He spotted a wheelbarrow poking out of a hedge. He crammed Richard’s lifeless body into it and wheeled him into the house.

‘You did it, you actually found him. Lay him down on the floor,’ squealed William.

‘Look Julie, this is the last time I pick up blokes for you,’ said Daniel laying Richard on the ground. He went back to the car to collect the Chihuahua.

‘What in god’s name is that?’ said William nodding his head in the direction of the drunken queen as Daniel shut the door.

‘That’s your long-lost relative.’

‘You must be mistaken?’

‘It was your crystals that led me to him.’

‘Damn, they are never wrong.’

‘You’re going to be so manly and rugged, Julie’ laughed Daniel.

‘I’m glad you find this so amusing. If you don’t shut up I’ll tamper with your other nipple.’

‘Hey, I fulfilled my end of the bargain. Now quit your whining, embrace your new homosexual life and let me get the fuck on with mine.’ Daniel yelled.

‘I can’t’ muttered William. ‘I mean look at him.’

‘So you’d rather be a fish?’

William contemplated his options. ‘Alright you win place me on his chest. Then place the crystals on his eyes,’ instructed William.

Daniel did as William told him. ‘Now what?’

‘Now shut that dog up and step back.’

William chanted some weird gibberish that Daniel couldn’t understand. The crystals began to glow bright red. Then there was a flash of bright light and a big bang. Then silence.

            Daniel crept forward to investigate.

‘Where am I?’ said Richard rubbing his head.

‘If you’re not William then where is he?’ Daniel scanned the room but the goldfish had vanished. His attention was turned to the Chihuahua. A posh masculine voice came from its tiny body ‘Oh fuck.’

 

Rain cloud

I once had a dream that I had a rain cloud over me, which was really annoying as I kept getting soaked and nobody wanted to be around me as they kept getting soaked too. I tried everything to get rid of that rain cloud but I had to admit defeat and then I woke up. *sob*.

Why am I talking about rain clouds? Well that’s because I sort of feel like I have one over me at the minute. I don’t like feeling miserable and I’m not much liking the shit life has been throwing at me lately. But I guess you have to suffer the bad to appreciate the good and all that jazz. I’m not going to go into a big rant and moan about how shit my life is but all I will say is that sometimes it sucks being an adult.

Anyway, I’m feeling guilty for neglecting my blog lately and felt it was about time I updated it. Unfortunately I haven’t really had chance to write anything new and I’ve been battling the dreaded writers block, yet again. But I have found a couple of my old stories. Although they are cringe-worthy and I seem to have forgotten about grammar, methinks I shall be brave and share them with you.  I can assure you I was not on crack when I wrote them but it is further proof that I am a strange creature.

Hairy Pieces is a tribute to Neil Buchanan of Art Attack fame. Which reminds me of the bookends he made and he wrote Ivor Gash on one of them…haha the things that dude got away with. As for Unexpected Inheritance (I hate that title) I have no idea how I came up with that one. *Shrug* Perhaps if I’d spent longer than a day writing these stories they might have been better. But fuck it…actually can you say fuck on here? I shall get churning out the new stuff soon I promise.

Snot Bubble

Snot Bubble

I HATE SNOT!!! I mean I really HATE it!!!

I always seem to have a permanent cold. In fact I’m beginning to think that perhaps I'm part snot monster?! You’d think with the amount of snot I have produced lately I would have shrivelled up, however I just seem to be mass producing the stuff and it’s totally gross. So if anyone would like some of my snot I have plenty to go round.

I know I’m whinging and moaning but I hate being ill and I always seem to catch the lurgy at the most inconvenient times, like when I was a kid I’d always be ill in the holidays or on weekends, which sucked. You’d think with my constant battle with the dreaded snot that by now we would have reached some sort of compromise and I would accept the snot if it would only occur as and when there was an event I really wanted to get out of. But no, it doesn’t work like that.

Being ill is horrible as not only do you feel crappy and miserable but it’s also very lonely. The first sign of a sneeze and suddenly no one wants to be your friend anymore. So you sit, unable to move (as it hurts too much if you do) for hours on end with only your snot for company….Achooo! Excuse me.

Boredom is another annoying factor of being ill. I have an incredibly low tolerance to boredom at the best of times, so this time round I have decided to be productive with my time. I have devised an evil plan where I infect all you lovely people with the plague and then we can all keep each other company and I never have to be bored again.  Erm, did I say ‘evil’ plan? I meant to say ‘good/ nice/ kind’ plan where I just give you all a little dose of my germs as I’m a lovely, sharing person…mwahahaha <cough> hahaha <cough> hahaha <cough> hahaha!

Did I mention that every part of my personage aches, and I mean EVERY PART! So methinks I’m going to have to stop typing now. Blub, sob, whimper, cry, cough, sneeze, snot bubble. :o(

The Neon Ninjas: Oh Steve where art thou? (Part 1)

The Neon Ninjas: Oh Steve where art thou? (Part 1)

Disclaimer: This is a work of fiction. All the characters and events portrayed in this story are fictional, and any resemblance to real people or incidents is purely incidental…honest!

‘Glad you could join us.’ The Blue Ranger grumbled as he munched on a Jaffa Cake.

‘Eh?’ Pinky yawned as she rubbed her eyes. ‘Eurgh, eye bogey, yuck,’ she complained as she wiped her hand on her pyjama top.

‘Pinky!’ Tallulah yelled in disgust.

‘Oh, I’m sorry did you want some?’ Pinky chuckled holding her finger out as she shuffled in a zombie-like motion towards Tallulah.

‘Eeeeek,’ Tallulah squealed as she jumped out of her chair using her lightening-quick agility to out-manoeuvre the approaching eye bogey attack.

Pinky picked up pace and followed suit. Tallulah headed towards the kitchen, paused and turned to face Pinky, ‘Ha-ha, catch me if you can.’ In one elegant motion she back-flipped and landed on top of a cupboard.

‘Oi, that’s not fair, come down at once.’ Pinky commanded stamping her foot in anger.

Tallulah leaned forward, opened the cupboard, fumbled about inside, retrieved a box of Cheerio’s and threw handfuls of cereal at Pinky. Pinky leaped out of the line of fire and sought refuge behind the counter. She surveyed her surroundings and her eyes locked onto OC who was about to take a bite of a slice of toast. Pinky somersaulted through the air and swiped the toast from OC’s hand.

‘Oi!’ OC yelled.

Pinky ignored OC and launched the toast through the air hitting Tallulah in the face.

‘Ouch.’ Tallulah cried as she knocked the toast away and used the back of her hand to wipe a smudge of butter from her nose.

OC pushed her chair back from the table, made her way over to Pinky and stood towering over her. Pinky looked up and gulped as she met with OC’s fierce glare. ‘You’re going to hit me again aren’t you?’

OC smiled and nodded her head in agreement as she positioned her knuckledusters firmly in place.

            ‘Oh crap.’ Pinky sighed as she screwed her eyes shut as if it would cushion the blow.

OC clenched drew her fist back ready to strike but was halted by the Cheerio box hitting her on the side of the head ruining her perfectly groomed purple hair.

            ‘Sorry Sweetie, I wasn’t aiming for you.’ Tallulah squealed.

            ‘This means war!’ OC roared as she stamped over to The Blue Ranger, snatched the box of Jaffa Cakes and proceeded to launch a Jaffa Cake attack on Tallulah. Tallulah launched a counter-attack with Disco Rings. Pinky slowly opened her eyes and giggled as she watched her comrades engage in battle. However, her amusement was short lived as Tallulah and OC quickly turned their attack in her direction. Pinky took a few lethal biscuit blows to the torso. Tallulah and OC giggled and prepared to launch a second attack. With moments to spare Pinky leapt behind The Blue Ranger using him as a human shield. He took the full force of the hurtling food missiles. His body juddered with each deadly hit. He pulled a dagger from his belt and with a flick of his wrist the dagger hit the light switch across the room.

            All went black and in a matter of seconds The Blue Ranger had used all necessary force to round up his team mates. ‘It’s a shame it had to come to this.’ He sighed as he switched the light back on. He shook his head and gazed down on his recently bound friends as they struggled to escape. ‘Why must every team meeting end up like this?’ He muttered as he ruffled his fluffy blue hair.

            OC leaned toward Tallulah and whispered in her ear ‘Use some of your feminine charms on him.’

Tallulah winked at OC and whispered ‘I’m on it.’ Tallulah began struggling with the ropes. ‘Ouch.’ She whimpered, bottom lip trembling. The Blue Ranger sprang to Tallulah’s aid. ‘Is it too tight for you?’ He asked as he crouched down in front of her.

            Tallulah nodded her head in agreement and fluttered her eyelashes. The Blue Ranger was unable to resist and instantly set about untying her.

            ‘Oooh she’s good.’ Pinky whispered to OC.

            ‘Yep.’ Agreed OC grinning.

            OC and Pinky watched as The Blue Ranger lovingly helped Tallulah to her feet and inspected her wrists for any damage. They eagerly awaited their release; however to their dismay Tallulah and The Blue Ranger engaged in a passionate embrace.

            ‘Eeeew.’ OC and Pinky screamed as they tried to avert their eyes.

After an uncomfortable period of time the lovebirds parted and The Blue Ranger led Tallulah by the hand towards the door. ‘We’re just going to, erm, chase some butterflies.’ He shouted behind him and the pair exited the room giggling.

            ‘I’m going to be sick in my mouth.’ OC proclaimed.

            ‘Why?’ Pinky asked looking puzzled.

            ‘It’s bad enough seeing them go at it, but chasing butterflies, that is way too much information.’

            ‘I think chasing butterflies sounds really cute.’ Smiled Pinky.

OC began to laugh until she looked at Pinky’s innocent face. ‘Oh, you’re not joking are you? Erm, chasing butterflies has another meaning.’

Pinky looked really confused. OC leaned closer and whispered into Pinky’s ear. Pinky’s eyes widened in horror. ‘NO, you must be mistaken?’

            OC shook her head. ‘I’m afraid not.’

            ‘Ooooh, that sneaky little temptress.’ Pinky hissed.

OC made one last attempt to untie the ropes, but it was in vane. ‘Looks like we’re going to be here a while,’ she sighed. ‘You fancy playing a game?’

            ‘I guess so, what do you want to play?’

OC pondered for a few seconds. A large cheeky grin spread across her face. ‘Oooh, I know, what about Rude Alphabet?’

            ‘Sweet.’ Pinky giggled. ‘I’ll go first. A is for arse.’

            ‘B is for boobs.’ OC chuckled.

            ‘C is for…’

*

‘Oh, good you’re both still here.’ Said The Blue Ranger. 

‘You took you’re time.’ Pinky grumbled, still tied up to OC.

Tallulah straightened her clothing as she entered the room.

            ‘Traitor,’ OC spat in Tallulah’s direction.

Tallulah avoided eye contact as she headed towards the table, her cheeks glowed as red as her hair.

            ‘I shall untie you if you promise to behave!’ OC and Pinky nodded their heads in agreement. ‘We have grave matters to discuss and we can’t afford to waste any more time.’ Said The Blue Ranger as he untied the duo.

            OC and Pinky clambered to their feet and made their way to the table. ‘My bum’s gone numb.’ OC whimpered.

            ‘Allow me to assist you.’ Pinky grinned as she gave OC a swift kick to the buttock.

            ‘Ouch!’ OC screamed and punched Pinky in retaliation, knocking her flying across the room to land crumpled on the floor.

            ‘We haven’t got time for this childish behaviour. Sit down now!’ The Blue Ranger roared.

Pinky got up and joined OC in their walk of shame to the table where Tallulah and The Blue Ranger were seated. They slumped into their chairs like a couple of disobedient children. ‘So what’s the big crisis, Blue?’ OC muttered as she watched The Blue Ranger rub his temples.

            ‘It’s Steve.’ The Blue Ranger sighed.

            ‘What about him?’ Pinky enquired.

            ‘He’s…he’s…gone…’ The Blue Ranger sobbed.

To be continued…